Trying not to throw up.

I'm trying to avoid the ever growing knot in the pit of my stomach. In approximately 38 hours I will start training for my new job. The actual work part is not what's bugging me- I can do any amount of work, any day of the week! It's leaving my sweet little baby girl for any given amount of time that is getting me down. Don't get me wrong- I'm super thankful to have this job and so glad this training is only temporary before I will work from home. But any amount of time I don't get to see her just means someone else is enjoying that sweet smile and deep belly laugh. UGH. I keep telling myself that this will be good for the both of us -to have some time apart- but I'm doing a very good job of convincing myself.

It's okay though. I know God will watch over her when I can't. And I'm so thankful that I've had several offers from so many people (people I TRUST) to help out while I'm training. I know moms work all the time and leave their babies so I do feel blessed that I will be able to work from home.

And on Wednesday I'm only training from 9a to 3p and my mom is coming in town to watch her Wednesday and Friday. But the thought of leaving her for six hours is hard. Sound pathetic? Probably....

But I don't care. She's my little mini-me and counts on me more than anyone. I know what each cry means, what she's trying to communicate with each grunt, what she's pointing at, when she's ready for her nap, what she wants to eat and when she wants it, and that if she's quiet for longer than a minute then you better go check on her to see what she's doing!!!! Someday I'll tell her I'm doing this so mommy and daddy can get a bigger house so she can have a little brother or sister! (I told her that today but she insisted on feeding me a Cheerio in the middle of my sentence, so I don't think she cared much)

It's okay....everything will be fine....keep it together.....she'll be fine....I'll be fine....moms do it all the time....don't cry.....

That's what I keep repeating to myself!!!

I'm so glad...

I'm so glad that I can leave hurtful situations in God's hands. I don't have to worry about the future or what will happen.....all I have to do is give it to God and forget about it. His will is best and He knows what we need and don't need. I'm learning that submitting and praying is all I can do and the rest is up to Him!

It's almost here!

MERRY CHRISTMAS to all my family and friends!! I love you all! Hope everyone has a safe and wonderful holiday.

LOTS OF PROGRESS!

I have some good news to report regarding Adilynn's sleeping. We have definitely made progress! Last night she slept from 6:45 pm to 6 am this morning. Then Orrin brought her in bed with us where she fell asleep for another hour. Then I just now laid her down for her morning nap and she only cried for two minutes and she was out! This is even far better than Saturdays nap where she cried / fussed for 40 minutes before falling asleep.

The earlier bedtime is working out great. We used to have her in bed between 8 and 8:30, but I didn't realize how tired she was getting before that. 6:45 pm is earlier than what we actually want to put her in bed, but she was so sleepy last night. But I am shooting for a bedtime of 7, no later than 7:30. It seems so early and we miss having that extra time with her at night, but it is doing her a world of good!

IN SOME OTHER NEWS: I am going back to work!!! I have had mixed feelings about it, but the closer it gets the more excited I become! When I had Adilynn, the plan was for me to stay at home with her for at least a year. God has truly provided for us over the past 13 months and there have definitely been some tough times! I think anytime you go from two salaries to one sacrifices have to be made. It was definitely worth it! Neither Orrin or I would trade any of the past year for any amount of money.

God has truly blessed me with a great job opportunity. I actually interviewed and was offered this same job back in January of this year, but I turned it down and hoped and prayed that the job would still be available when I was ready to return to work.

I will be a Service Coordinator for adults who have disabilites. I was a Case Manager for the same population of individuals before I had Adilynn, so this is definitely where my heart is. Put me in a room full of autistic or down syndrome adults and I am right at home!

The great thing about the job is that it is WORKING FROM HOME! I will STILL get to be here with Adilynn! The only thing I have to be away from the home is for reviews (which happen anywhere every 1 to 3 months), a monthly home check for the client, or any other occasional meeting that might pop up. Another great thing is that I am the one to set my schedule. I can do my home checks in the evenings or on the weekends so that Orrin can be here with Adilynn when I need to be gone. If I have a meeting during the day, I have a great mother in law who will gladly watch Adilynn for a couple of hours, and my sister will be available all summer. So- things will be pretty much the same for Adilynn, which is what matters the most to us. I can do my work in the evenings or during the day when she's napping. They have a huge office on Battlefield where I will have my own cubby and phone line and I can go there and work anytime I need to. But there are no rules on reporting to the office at any certain time.

Another perk is that I only have to log 30 hours a week! And again, I get to make my own schedule, so I can get it all done and overwith the first few days of the week, or I can space it out over the course of seven days.

I also get a membership to Cox fitness for $25 a year, a cell phone and a laptop. And my health benefits are covered almost 100%.

I know God provided this job for me again even though I turned them down the first time. He knew my hearts desire to keep things normal for Adilynn, but still bring in money for the family. Orrin and I would like to put our house on the market within the next year to year and a half, so this gives us plently of time to set money aside for that.

Life is good! :)

Project Sleep Day.....(I don't know what day)

I've been slacking on documenting my progress with helping Adilynn sleep better. I'm too tired (well, lazy really) to figure out what day I'm on. It's because I've been so physically and emotionally exhausted this week! Today for her nap she fussed/cried for 40 minutes and has been sleeping for 1 1/2 hours (she's still snoozing). However, now that we're getting naptime under control, nighttime seems to be getting a bit worse! Last night she went to bed at 7:15 (we are shooting for a bedtime of around 7:30 pm) and she woke up at 11:00. We let her cry for about 20 minutes and then I went in and nursed her. After I laid her down she cried for an additional 30 minutes and then Orrin went in. I guess she let out a huge burp when he picked her up, and after he laid her down she fussed for about 5 minutes then went right back to sleep. I felt horrible that she was laying there with a big gas bubble she just needed to get out. Way to go mom.

I'm reading "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby" (thanks to my sister-in-law's recommendation) and they make very valid points about nighttime waking in your little one. The one we are having trouble with is "If you let them cry for a predetermined amount of time each night (like 15 min, 30 min, etc) then they will learn to cry that amount of time till you come in and get them." And like the book says- the baby will ALWAYS outlast you if they know you'll come in and rescue them! I'm thinking that we are just going to have to just her cry it out at night and not go in there. Otherwise we're teaching her that if she cries we'll eventually come in.

Sooooooo.....what to do. I know we need to stop going in there at night. However, I'm always so worried that she's woken up hungry or cold. She's not a big eater when it comes to regular foods so I always lay there thinking she's half starved and that's why she's crying. So I continue the cycle and I go in and nurse her. HOWEVER- she doesn't have a strong suck like she's hungry (sorry for the details), it's more of a suck like a pacifier to comfort her to go back to sleep. So she can't be THAT hungry.

UGH. Poor baby girl. And poor mom and dad! It's horrible to lay there and listen to the crying, especially in the middle of the night.

Yesterday and today's naptime was MUCH BETTER though than it was on Monday. So I have to keep at it, keep with the consistency and I know it will get better. My ultimate goal is for her to sleep 7:30-ish to 7:30-ish and then take a long afternoon nap from 1-3, possibly 1-4.

A girl can dream, right?

Boy, do I have a long way to go....

What a sweet post from a husband to his wife. (thanks C. George!) :)

http://biohazard-blog.blogspot.com/2008/12/momzoo.html

I so have room for improvement.

RELIEF.

Oh my goodness....I could do a cartwheel. I just laid Adilynn down for her morning nap and she only cried for FIVE MINUTES before falling asleep on her own!!! This is such a drastic change from Monday when she cried (off and on, and with me checking on her of course!) for two hours!! I guess this whole cry-it-out method really does work!! I am so proud of her....this has been a long week for both of us. I think she is really feeling attachment issues with me weaning her! She wants me to hug her and hold her all day long, which I glady pass out as many hugs and kisses as she needs. And she has been following me everywhere in the house, and has not been playing as independently as she normally does! I didn't think it would be so hard on me emotionally either! It's difficult to give up something you've done with your child for the past 13 months....what a bond it has created between us. I will miss it, but that just means we get to find other ways to bond!

Here's a picture of those sweet little cheeks I can't wait to go in and smother with kisses after naptime!!!!

My sweet baby.

I just had to brag....

Adilynn has made it big! We had her pictures taken at four months of age and one is posted on the Owen's Photography website. If you to the website, http://www.owensportfolio.com/, go to the "Children" tab. She's the third one down on the first column. (just look for the naked baby with the big head!)

Project Sleep Day 3

Today was slightly better. She only nursed four-five times (which is a major cutback), and I was only letting her nurse for approximately ten minutes. And let me just say that I never thought I would be nursing her this long, and at almost 13 months old. It truly is a comfort thing for her!

So this morning she wanted to nurse right away. I could not distract her with oatmeal, cheerios, ANYTHING, so I gave in. Plus she's had a slight fever the past couple of days (I think due to teething) so I thought nursing might do her some good. I even bought her first bag of baby cookies in hopes that she'd like those over nursing. (they are whole grain animal crackers, so it's not like i'm giving her cookies loaded with sugar or chocolate). But no....she doesn't even like the cookies!!! Apparently she does not take after her daddy in regards to cookies. (When I told Orrin she didn't like them he goes "oh good, I'll eat them.)

For her morning nap, I held her until she fell asleep, then put her in her crib. I KNOW. I'm substituting one bad habit for another. I'm trying to keep in mind that the goal is for her to fall asleep on her own, in her crib.

But did I like holding her warm little body, rubbing her little back and watching her eyes get heavier and heavier? Absolutely. I took those few minutes to say a fervent prayer to God about her life and her future. If I had a dollar for every prayer I said for her throughout the day I'd be a millionaire.

And I'm justifying it in my head that "once she's weaned, she'll start to fall asleep on her own." *fingers crossed*

I guess the good thing is that even though I held her till she fell asleep, at least she didn't fall asleep while nursing.....right?!?!

OH....and last night.....she woke up at 11:30. Orrin went in and tried putting her back down. But she cried for about 15 minutes and finally I went in and nursed her back to sleep. Then she was awake again at 5.

It's amazing what can make you feel like you aren't doing a good job as a parent. I've talked to several moms who've said "yeah I lay my child down awake and they go right to sleep." Or "she shouldn't be waking up in the night at this age to nurse." UGH...man. It stings to think I've done something in the past 12 1/2 months that have led up to her sleep issues now.

So tomorrow is another day. I'm going to start letting her cry longer periods at night, all the while laying there praying she goes to sleep.

I know one person who'll be sleeping soundly thru everything (unless I wake him up!)....ORRIN. That guy doesn't wake up for anything!!!!

Project Sleep Day 2

Today did not go well. I laid her down for her nap around 10:45 am and of course, she started crying. For an hour, I went in there in the 5 and 10 minute increments. After an hour, I just decided to get her up. Orrin came home for lunch and she got all excited to see him, so I knew she'd be up for awhile. After he went back to work, I decided to nurse her till she fell asleep.

I KNOW....I'm failing miserably at this.

Just to reiterate: My goal is to have Adilynn fall asleep on her own at naptime, instead of falling asleep while nursing. I'm also trying to wean her from nursing.

This is more difficult than I thought.

My question is this- how long are you supposed to let your little one cry it out? I felt an hour was long enough today so I went in and scooped her up. She was holding onto me for dear life and I wiped away her big alligator tears. Poor little muffin.

I will try again tomorrow, although this time I think I'm going to wait longer before putting her down for a nap. That way she's nice and sleepy.

She will get it...I just need to be consistent, or else that's not fair to her.

Oh yeah- and she's back to calling everything "bob" these days. It's so cute.

Project Sleep Day 1

Today was the first day of Project Sleep. It was a disaster. First off, Adilynn didn't wake up until 7:45, which is unlike her. I thought maybe she was tired from our busy weekend, so I let her sleep in a little bit. So the day kind of started a bit off our usual routine. She nursed once around 9 am, and then started getting sleepy around 10:30. I nursed her for just a few minutes when she started to fall asleep. It was at that time I decided to lay her down in her crib.


This unleashed a fit of crying and screaming like I'd never heard before from this child!! To make an incredibly loooong story short, she cried for TWO HOURS! And there's no need to call Child Protective Services on me....I did NOT leave her in her crib to cry it out alone for two hours. That would just be cruel, nor would I ever do that. I did however, go in there in 5 and 10 minute increments. And finally, when the two hour mark rolled around at 12:30 pm, I decided to just get her up. I figured at that point she was probably hungry for lunch anyways.

So after lunch, she seemed to catch a second wind and was all over the house playing. Long about 2:15 she wanted to nurse. I GAVE IN AND NURSED HER TO SLEEP. I know that's exactly what I'm trying NOT to do, but I felt that she had gone thru enough earlier in the day.

I am so hoping tomorrow is better. It's getting easier to distract her from nursing at times, so maybe that's the beginning of weaning her completely. If I can just get her to fall asleep on her own during naptime- that will be awesome!

As for now, our sweet little angel is tucked away in her warm crib, probably wedged up in the top left corner of her crib. Is there anything worse than letting your baby cry it out?

I don't think so.

Project Sleep 2

Okay, so tomorrow is my first day of Project Sleep. This is my plan: I'm thinking that she will wake up as usual between 6:30 am and 7 am. We'll have breakfast, which for her is usually oatmeal and toast. I will most likely nurse her since I don't want to cut her off cold turkey. (I read that if that happens it can actually be traumatic for the child). So if she wants to nurse beyond one time in the morning, I have some snack distractions including granola bars, blueberry muffins, apples, bananas, etc. (that's assuming Orrin and I don't eat the blueberry muffins tonight). She'll probably go down for a nap between 10 and 10:30. THIS IS WHERE IT GETS TRICKY PEOPLE. I will be starting the "cry it out" method. UGH. My heart is already breaking. However, I can't keep letting her fall asleep while she's nursing. If she cries, I'll go into her room every 5, 10 and 15 minutes until she falls asleep. (let's hope it's less than 5 minutes). I'll also do that with her late afternoon nap as well.

Oh man. I have a knot in my stomach already. I think I'm more sad thinking about weaning her from nursing.....because that means she won't need me as much. :(

I know....I need to get a grip.

So anyways, that will be my day tomorrow. SIDENOTE: Orrin and I and my parents have been praying that she will gradually start weaning herself from nursing. On friday, she only nursed TWICE, except for once at bedtime!!! She didn't seem interested at all! Even over the weekend I didn't nurse her as much. I think God knows how hard this will be for me, so He's helping me out!

Where's Jesus?

A trashy tale.

Adilynn has developed an interest in the trash can. In the beginning, she would just go over and lift the lid while looking in it. Then it went to trying to take things out of it. I figured since she was interested in it, I would teach her that we only put things IN it. So the last few days I've been working with her on throwing stuff away. This seems to be her new favorite thing.

Well, this morning I couldn't find the TV remote. I looked EVERYWHERE. In her room, in her toybox, in the bathroom drawer (where I've found it once before)....everywhere. (I knew we should have stuck with keeping the remote out of her reach). I just went in a few minutes ago to throw something away and guess what was laying there right on top, in a little puddle of ketchup.......

The remote.

Along with a pair of her black gloves, one pink glove and three magnet letters from the fridge.

Stephanie.

For those of you that have been following the story of Stephanie Vest, please click on her name to read the entry stating that she passed away last night. I prayed so hard for her yesterday, as did thousands of others. I don't understand why God decided to take her home when she had three little ones here on earth. What a reminder that His ways are not our ways. Please take the time out to pray for her husband Eric, and her children- Cole, Zach and Gracie. My heart especially breaks for Gracie who is only seven months old and will now grow up without a mother who no doubt loved her until her last breath. It's never easy to lose someone, but I am glad that she is no longer suffering. And as someone commented on her blog "our loss is heaven's gain."

Project Sleep.

Adilynn has always been a great sleeper. I can count on one hand the number of times Orrin and I have been up with her at night trying to get her back to sleep. Even when we brought her home from the hospital, she would wake up every 4 hours or so to eat, then go back down with no problems. However....that has changed!!! She has recently started waking up anywhere between 2-4 times a night and can only fall back asleep if I nurse her. Last night she woke up at 10 pm (but she put herself back to sleep at that time), 1:30 am, 2:30 am and 6 am. And again, the only way she goes back to sleep is if she nurses. I can lay her down at night when she's awake, and she'll go right to sleep with no problems. But it seems she is unable to get herself back to sleep if she wakes up in the middle of the night.

I do have a theory on this though. She is still nursing, so when she is ready for her naps during the day, she'll nurse and fall asleep during the middle of it. So I think that I have started a BAD habit with her by letting her fall asleep while nursing. But it's strange because at night I lay her down awake and she'll go to sleep on her own.

So starting Monday, I'm going to have to start doing things differently. First off, I'm going to try to start weaning her from nursing. Now, let me just say that I had planned on nursing her only for her first year. (just a sidenote that she does get regular food in addition to nursing) However, this girl loves to nurse!!! She will nurse even when I know she's not hungry. I think it is just a comfort and security thing for her. I have started distracting her when she wants to nurse with apples, cucumbers, wheat thins, etc. That has seemed to help a little. I'm hoping that once she is completely weaned, then she'll start sleeping better at night.

The second thing I'm going to start Monday is laying her down for her naptime when she's awake, but sleepy. I went thru a period of time when she was around 6 months old that I would let her cry it out. She did great for awhile, but somehow over the course of time everything got all messed up. So, I think she's going to have to relearn how to fall asleep on her own.

I am not looking forward to starting all this but I can't keep getting up with her 2-4 times a night. And in all honesty, I will miss her nursing! Like Adilynn, I have immensely enjoyed the bond it has created, and I have never even minded getting up with her in the night to nurse (until recently!).

I have named this whole weaning / naptime thing "Project Sleep" so we'll see how it goes. Wish me luck!!!

PLEASE PRAY!!

Please stop right now and say a prayer for Stephanie Vest. Click here to read the latest blog entry. I have followed her blog to a tee and read every entry at least twice!! She is fighting for her life and needs a touch from God! Please say a prayer for her, her husband and her three young children.